Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
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I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.