Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.

Before I had sons, I assumed all little boys were Kevin McCallister. Then my older boy was born and he turned out to be Samwise Gamgee. Joy of joy! I went ahead and had another boy and got Kevin McCallister.

Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.

Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.

niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit

Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*

Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well

Obvious red flags:

*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind

*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows

*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer

My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.

we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee

My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.

Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!

Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!

Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.

I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.

Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.

Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.

If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.

They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.

worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost

please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke

-hearing my dog about to puke

Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.

And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”

CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing

Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.

Remember story of man who phoned work to say he couldn’t get in as there was a Cat on top his car
Employer said
Well shift the bloody Cat & get to work
The Cat was one those CAT tractor type vehicles & atop his car
😂

Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…

Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.

911: what’s your emergency?

me: there’s a really loud fight next door

911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun

me: omg thank you

Cat: *purr*

Me: Good morning!

Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*

Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!

Cat: *kneads me* *purr*

Me: Yes, I love you too!

Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*

A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.

Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.

*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*

*I go outside and swing on the swingset*

dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s