Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
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My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.