Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell

Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling

*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*

Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away

Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!

sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me

No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.

figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives

when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help

(First date)

Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?

Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.

Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.

Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation

“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.

Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.

“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”

*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?

The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer

[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle

Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.

Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?

Me: Absolutely amazing

Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?

Me: You may not

Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.

I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”

[at Doctor’s office]

“When’s the last time you had sex?”

Last night.

“With a male or female?”

Oh…with another person?

I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questions

I’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management

He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach

Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.

[Jews being led out of Egypt]

Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?

Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!

“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”

-Cats

I got 3 miles in before breakfast.

That’s enough driving for the day

God gives his toughest battles to his bravest soldiers (I am comfortable in bed and left my water on the dresser)

yo who decided that the standard lullabies for children are about people dying of bubonic plague or baby cradles falling out of trees

Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her

Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?

Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really

Me: why are you on her laptop?

Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now

I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.

7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.