Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
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Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm