Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*

Me: Nice work with picking a random password.

Wife: It’s our anniversary.

companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them

*whips out tampon*

“Now weigh me”

My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.

Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:

“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”

And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!

[throwing out the baby]

Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!

i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends

Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.

“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.

People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.

[job interview]

Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …

When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.

By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.

Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart

I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄

Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude

My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.

Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise

Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad

Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues

Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?

ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat

MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done

Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.

Boom, boom, ching!

*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*

Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.

Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.

Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.