Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Review]

Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*

Me: A car!

B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*

M: Well, a card’s still cool.

B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.

M: Ok, I’m a medium.

B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.

my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch

You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.

If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”

You can avoid every meeting.

You’re welcome.

“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”

PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.

My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”

I think I’m good.

Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

Florida be like…

The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.

If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.

Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.

In case you needed to hear it:

Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush

Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…

But that’s how Julius Caesar.

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’

OMFG!

I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.

Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,

I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.

👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES

I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.

I work from home and tend towards introvert

Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?

Me: Saturday!

Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?

*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*

From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.

Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish

When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants

Relationship status:

I’ve put my ear hair in braids.

Get at me.

Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.

I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.

What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist

Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.

You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.