Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“

A dog opens the front door.

Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.

“Hey, buddy. How was work?”

And the dog goes “RUFF.”

My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.

I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

*bride and groom kiss*

minister: wow im like right here

me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?

him: no, cash only

My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.

*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*

Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.

Executive: Yawn. Boring.

Creator: They both have speech impediments.

Executive: I love it.

[inventing that little handle inside the car]

engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend

I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument

Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’

Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’

[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?

[tavern]

Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?

Me: I’m gonna need more options.

Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.

[bank]

Associate: are you here to take out a loan?

Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident

Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.

Me: *throws watch into river*

excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces

Them: how does 9am sound?

Me: sounds like you’re dead to me

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

I told the family that I had to go into work for a few hours but I’m actually just sitting out in the shed eating a bag of Baconators in peace.

If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.

In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.

Life is a suicide mission.

Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”

How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.

Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.