Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian

[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”

Good news: My son cleaned his room

Bad news: He found his harmonica

If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.

you never know what burdens people are dealing with

I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.

Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.

An app where you and your SO swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?

Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.

There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight

Throws bra on the floor

I feel much better

Her: I want you to leave me breathless

Me: *hides her inhaler

Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?

#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.

Customs officer: Occupation?

German: Nein, just visiting.

Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning

Me: Haha, I saw that

Her: What?

Me: What?

[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together

My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.

I’m so blessed.

my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going

What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.

Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.

My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.

If cooking blogs were tweets:

Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!

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Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*

I feel this so hard

Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible

I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.

ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…