me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
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Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
