me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
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I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
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ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
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I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
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Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.