Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies

Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”

Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”

Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone

Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.

My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week

I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.

Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.

But a little drama never hurts.

me:
Can I count on you?

wife:
Of course, always.

(sits on her lap)

me:
One…two…three…four…

Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations

I’ve worked several high-pressure corporate jobs, but I never put more effort into the way I look than when I’m working with kids. Like, the CEO of a company never asked me what happened to my hair or why I’m dressed like Beetlejuice.

5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.

Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”

DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?

ME: it’s a tip

DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight

ME: *hands him $20 bill*

I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.

Send bail money.

Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep

Job interviewer: …and a weakness?

I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.

Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?

Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.

ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.

THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.

I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.

“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist

Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating

Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?

Friend: we can do a mock interview

Me: ok

Friend: why should we hire you

Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu

Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.

If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people

I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.

I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.

Co-worker: *tells story*

Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.

CW: What? It’s not a bad story.

Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.

*A guide to 1st dates*

Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?

The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…

One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!

Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.

Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.

The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:

“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.