Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ouija board]

How are you feeling?

*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-Y

What the!? A cheesy board!?

G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S

POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.

ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY

one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭

To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.

Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?

I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.

Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”

7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards

The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:

1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them

If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them

One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.

Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.

How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?

*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*

…they just keep sending more…

Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.

Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”

Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician

Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation

Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book

Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree

Me: Waldo you rascal!

I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone

publisher: tell me all about it

orwell: it’s about a farm

publisher: sounds good

orwell: with animals

publisher: naturally

orwell: and they’re fascists

publisher: of course

I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”

Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.

“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”

-guy who invented sports

“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”

In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.

“Laura, can you come and let me out?”

wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter

me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did

TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.

ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.

Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.

Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”