Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!

Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting

one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist

Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.

Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.

Medium: You want to contact your late husband?

Me: Yes.

Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?

Me: OMG it’s him.

Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind

Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?

Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.

I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”

me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go

Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.

Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?

It’s called Dye Another Day

*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now

Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.

*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?

A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

me: why does nobody like me

therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic

me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how

Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”

It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”

Me: (Sneezes)

Microchip in my left arm: Bless you

(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread

DOCTOR: You should lose some weight

ME: Ok I’ll consider it

VET: Your dog should lose some weight

ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!

“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says

Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank

I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again

Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good

Him: that’s my bandaid