Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.

NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System

PLUTO: I’m back, baby!

NASA: because we found a new one!

PLUTO: SON OF A

Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.

They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.

if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.

He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.

Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.

Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos

I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.

I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol

“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”

Me: How did my surgery go

Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear

Me:

Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off

a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class

I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.

My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”

My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]

All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.

gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now

me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*

My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.

Me: is it ok if we have sex right now

Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking

Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree

Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman

Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.

*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”

When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.

When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.

Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.

When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.

What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?