Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.

What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?

A parsnip.

[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing

*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*

*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..

Still cracks me up

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.

I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.

Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit

“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.

MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]

Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label

WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY

“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”

Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.

Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.

JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*

I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.

The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.

Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*

me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.

Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.

I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

[blind date]

Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”

ME *trying to impress him*

“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”

If poetry is dead, then explain this:

My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.

Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.

Him: It’s a police report.

I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.

Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.

Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks

My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂

You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.

Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.