Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy

Ladies, if he:

– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteries

He’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.

HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.

ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.

Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.

I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box

Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U

*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*

Wife: Where are you going?

Me: You can find me in da club shawty

Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?

Me: Yes

you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair

Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.

My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.

ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.

Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you

Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.

captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship

sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir

to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead

Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.

me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city

delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives

me: ..you’re so pretty

[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!

[coming out of coma]

Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*

MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?

ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther

MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away

ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie

If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain

[Interview]

Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?

Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!

OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE

I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.

MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:

Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.

My dating profile:

Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?

-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.

Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.

He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?

They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.