ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
You Might Also Like
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.