Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my friends when i can’t do basic math

Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”

me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]

him: [on deathbed] NURSE

After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.

People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.

ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u

Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos

Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave

Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down

Crossover ideas

– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys

Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.

Wife: London. He means London.

Friend: My car is making a weird noise

Me: Have you tried essential oils?

Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.

the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else

Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!

*pulls up at the vet’s*

Dog: hey, wait a minute…

Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..

*how I slept

As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell

My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him

I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself

*eats pizza out of box in bed

*falls asleep

*wakes up next to leftover pizza

Voila! Breakfast in bed!

Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you

I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children

Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.

At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?

It’s not 13.