Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
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🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.