@mxrk Nice try, poison.
@DrakeGatsby Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
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@mxrk 
@Home_Halfway DRINKING AT 25: Hell yeah let’s go out all night and go straight to work
DRINKING AT 35: Dear diary, I had a beer last month. I’ve had a hangover for two fortnight. I fear this is the end
@bngzyface *First day as therapist*
Me: Stop that.
@MelKassel 1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
@shutupmikeginn I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
@hatehug I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
@HausOfAustin Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
@JessicaVarsity Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
@chuuew [Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
@yonewt It seems Bichon Frisé is a dog breed and not, as indicated in the recipe, a fancy salad green. We regret any confusion this may have caused.