Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.

[12 minutes later]

Me: I have eaten my best friend.

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…I’m canceling that gym membership.


The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.


professor x: what’s your power?

jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters

gay professor x : interesting


Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.


“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.


Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!


“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.


This guy in this waiting room is talking to me.

I’m gonna marry him so he’ll leave me alone.