@mack44_d
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
@DrakeGatsby
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
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@mack44_d
@StaceyShortcake
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
@Skoog
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
@TylerHendrix
a trip to the doctor
@JJRossReaders
Shower sex be like:
@Dutch_50
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
@thenatewolf
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
@mrsmith196645
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
@TheTweetOfGod
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
@SaltyCorpse
This guy in this waiting room is talking to me.
I’m gonna marry him so he’ll leave me alone.