Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Person: It’s not rocket science.

Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.

Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.

“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”

Breaking news:

I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza

Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.

I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.

strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs

I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.

What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?

Nothing. He was STUFFED!

People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.

[aliens dissecting humans]

alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol

alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it

alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this

Revenge served cold

Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?

J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]

I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.

I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.

Him: It’s like people are going feral.

Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*

It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.

Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high

Wife: how high

My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man

CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1

ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.

*awkward silence

GOD: We NEVER use that word here

airline: will you be checking your bags, sir

me: again? I did that three times at home

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more

*helping son with math problem*

[hour later]

JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!

My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.

You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.

Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.

Meow

The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again

I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery