Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
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Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.