Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
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Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Love it! 👍😂
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.