Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
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People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants