Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
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Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.
Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
I just post them. I don’t explain them.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.