Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
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My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
When you put it that way… 😂
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
I’m having an out of money experience.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
I’ve had relationships like this
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!