Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!

[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]

My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.

My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”

Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles

My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning

I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent

Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!

HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still

murderer: run if you want to live

me: *starts sprinting*

murderer: not like toward me tho

10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.

long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.

I used to think I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my Imagine Asian.

Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet

Haters gonna hate.

Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…

My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol

Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.

I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring

losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story

*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.

My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.

911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad

Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars

A face that lunched a thousand chips.

I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.

You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?

When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny

If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly

I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.

Guys.

GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..

Friends: Come have a drink with us!

Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.

Friends: C’mon, just one!

Me: Okay, maybe just one…

[ 11 drinks later ]

Me:

INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?

ME: How do I access the WIFI?

INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job

ME: Is that all capital?