Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???

If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.

Thanks for the swallow!

-bird collectors (you perv!!!)

someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??

Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING

@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.

5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!

I was really excited to see the Wicked movie until it got shoved down my throat in product placements. Now I just want to drop a house on the marketing director. And steal their shoes

what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.

A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.

[on the phone]

Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.

CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?

Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!

Henchman: In the h-

K: In the stomach, yes!

‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’

~me, parenting teens

0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening

BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*

Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…

*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*

*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*

Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what

I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.

It should cost money to watch me bend over to pick something up off the floor

[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers

I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.

[inventing that little handle inside the car]

engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?

Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”

Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.

Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.

This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.