me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
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Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.