me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
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[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
When you鈥檙e Kinky but poor
i ordered the mcdonald鈥檚 land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
when the author kills off your favorite character 馃槶馃槶馃槶
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I鈥檓 pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.