me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
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Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
🛁
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Money is the root of all wealth
I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Got him!
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…