me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
You Might Also Like
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to