Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*

Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.

Is there a class for just the karate noises?

Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”

me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre

Nobody:

South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up

In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”

Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.

People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol

Bagged lunch circa 1984

-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”

At the International League of Assassins

Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?

Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.

My mom when I pay for dinner: oh sweetie, you really shouldn’t have done that!

My dad when I pay for dinner: if I had known, I would have gotten the ribeye!

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*

“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”

Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.

I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.

[Valentine’s Day]

Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?

Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?

Her: draw me like one of your French girls

Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey

The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.

Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.

I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.

Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”

If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”

My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.

Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia

[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.

*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*

In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.