Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
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I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
⛄️
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Normalize responding to work emails with:
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
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Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.