Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
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Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design
Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.