Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
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HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Maths meets science
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.