Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.

My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.

#ThisMakesMeLaugh

[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*

Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?

Kid: What’s a phone book?

*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL

Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.

My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.

Some of y’all tomorrow …

Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?

Him: *disables smoke alarm*

The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.

😆

Society: Dance like no ones watching.

Also society: Records it for everyone to see.

It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.

Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.

one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave

when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks

[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]

I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat!

When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.

Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.

Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!

North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.

I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.

My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.

I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.

Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.