me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body
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Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.
i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it
No, YOUR illiterate.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
All. The. Damn. Time.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman