Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours

Me: I brought you some bird seed.

Rad Pigeon: Coo’

When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.

somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day

“Moo.”

– hipster sheep

Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you

13yo: Unless you really want some hand!

ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.

UBER DRIVER: No.

Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.

If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse

Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here

I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”:

“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”

She danced her way into his heart.

-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.

Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’

interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume

me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word

Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.

Thoughts while driving:

-Hope that light stays green.

-Hope it stays yellow.

-Hope no one saw me run that red light.

The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

*new parents*

Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.

Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!

How we blocked people in the 90s 😄

Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.

Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins

Cop: license and registration

Me: that won’t be necessary officer

*places a glazed donut in his pocket

The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.

My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.

Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.

Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.

EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.

WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?

ME: *Muffled* No.

WIFE:

ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.

Man: Is there a doctor in the house?

Dr: I have a PHD in literature

Man: This man is having a heart attack!

Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…