Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.

Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT

Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.

if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry

Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?

Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.

“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”

– The wind, apparently.

If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.

I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island

KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed

I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.

lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down

Me: [to myself] ok, act cool

Crush: nice weather today

Me: thanks

I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.

“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”

I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.

My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.

Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)

My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases

I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.

shakespeare: murder most foul…

goose: what the duck did you just say?!

5: Whose car is this?

Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?

5: Mine.

Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.

7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?

Me: Math

“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it

Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?

Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.

I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing