ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
You Might Also Like
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Overindulged this afternoon.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.