Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will

CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.

SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR

Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish

*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*

“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”

*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*

Roses are red

Pizza sauce is too

I ordered a large

And none of its for you

Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that

[later]

Me: you have nice eyeball hair

There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.

The people have spoken – if the 20th Anniversary Edition of Back to Bedlam is Number 1 next Friday, my new name will legally be…

I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.

I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes

[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”

In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real

If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead

Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.

Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.

Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?

I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.

Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.

Move the bed into the kitchen, bro

meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat

“You’re beautiful on the inside.”

– Me, to a Twinkie

My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.

5yo: What happens when we die?

Me: People fight over your stuff

me: I broke my leg, can anyone help

guy: I know what to do

me: oh thank goodness

guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses

me: k wait

It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.

You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.

I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?

Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.