ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
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[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm