Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
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If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
this is a sign that you need a union
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Last-minute gift idea!
What fresh Hell is this?!?
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Alexa; make it look like an accident
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
