Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quiz host: Your topic is music

Me: Yes!!

Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?

Me: You’ve got to be kidding me

What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought

Him: Let’s go out tonight.

Me: It’s a work night and very late.

Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.

Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?

kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job

me: I always get shy around beautiful women

friend: just tell her

cashier: hi

me: *quiet mumbling*

cashier: what?

me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ

When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.

[first day in a hair band]

Singer: you’re bald

Me: yes, I lied on my resume

At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.

Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant

young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam

distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him

For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.

PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.

The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose

The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

[confessional]

me: father, gooey naan.

father: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?

Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.

Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.

Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?

Me: Kids?

just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread

make sure its switched to “on”

I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord

There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.

Went in my local the other day, new barman very smiley and chatty I ordered a pint and a vodka tonic for my wife, he smiled and asked ‘single?’ I replied sorry mate I’m married, he said I meant double or single vodka pal. Got to find a new local.

The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.

EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.

WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?

ME: *Muffled* No.

WIFE:

ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.

20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head

30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle

40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib

Vader: I am your father!

Random kid: Really?

Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.

I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.

Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”

Me: there’s no “u” in team

Canadian: we’ll see about that bud

Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”

Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?

CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.

*first date*

Him: So, I’m a youth minister.

Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.