some people want to be buried when they die. others want to be cremated. personally, I think I would like to be brought back to life
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
You Might Also Like
Do you guys remember 10 years ago, when all the people with gluten allergies were dying in the streets like diseased cattle?
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Murderer: *gun to my head* What is the difference between a shirt and a blouse
Me: Tell my family I love them
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!