A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
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the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.