“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
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Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
“You know how fast you were going?”
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
If Eve sacrificed the whole human race for an apple, have you ever wondered what she would have done for a cucumber?
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
That moment of panic when you accidentally swipe left on Bae while getting food off your phone.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Me: and I’m sad
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close