@ArfMeasures

Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out

[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are

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@ruinedpicnic

some people want to be buried when they die. others want to be cremated. personally, I think I would like to be brought back to life

@gentilecoont

Do you guys remember 10 years ago, when all the people with gluten allergies were dying in the streets like diseased cattle?

@TheCiscoKidder

Cop: Why did you burn that building down?

Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.

Cop: You’re free to go.

@PyrBliss

I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.

@Brentweets

Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.

@ronnui_

Murderer: *gun to my head* What is the difference between a shirt and a blouse

Me: Tell my family I love them

@TheGladStork

“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.

@TheTweetOfGod

Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.

@dave_cactus

[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!