Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
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Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.