ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
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Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.