Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden

Antelope: o no

Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want

Antelope: omfg

My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!

Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*

Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition

How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?

the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title

Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.

Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.

Guy: Hey-

Me: Not you.

Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?

Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.

Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life

People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.

Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?

Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*

Them: You need to live in the present.

Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*

“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened

A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.

Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy

me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we

*bird watching*

Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”

Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”

*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*

they’re called hooves, dummy🙄

Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want

Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die

kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them

[Christmas shopping]

me: I’m looking for a toy for my son

clerk: how old?

me: something new please

him, on one knee: will you marry me

her: OMG

onlookers: say yes! say yes!!

me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far

This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.

Sir, this is a crime scene.

[at the pearly gates]

I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.

Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms

Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.