Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gas stations be like:

Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.

Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?

Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎

Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.

I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”

Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.

Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip

Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”

What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?

A parsnip.

At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of

I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?

Person: Are you on the conference call?

Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?

I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.

“don’t tell your girl”

me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine

“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?

Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.

Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.

[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.

Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.

[reading death threat]

*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.

God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.

Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*

in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents

Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…

[harry potter, college edition]

Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-

Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already

Voldemort: wh-what

Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications

Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.

Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.

lost dog

My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao