me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
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1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?
Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”