Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sally: I Love You Mommy!

Me: Melts into a puddle.

Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.

Me: Oh. ☹️

Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.

Therapist: How are you feeling?

Me: Rage

Therapist: What is bringing you rage?

Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.

Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.

Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now

I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.

new wife guy just dropped

“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”

New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”

Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.

Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit

I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.

Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.

When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate

Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.

My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.

My one weakness is indecision.

Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.

kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”

ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday

REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?

ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts

*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?

This recipe takes only 30 minutes.

3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.

I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless

’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.

Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.

I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well

Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.

Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.

Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.

Saying ‘better luck next time’

is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.

The more you know..

MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.

MY DAD: Ugh fine.

[My Birthday]

DAD: Open this one.

ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.

DAD: Now open this one.