me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
You Might Also Like
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Shortcut
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.