me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
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My kid’s school thought 15 spirit days in the month of December was a good idea and now we’re one step closer to homeschooling.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
kids play hide and seek like
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
When I sing in the shower the water turns cold
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings