Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.

When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.

GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..

Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.

Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks

My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.

Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.

I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.

Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.

Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.

Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.

Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.

She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.

🤦🏻‍♀️

YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*

He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.

“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”

“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”

If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.

Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT

me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?

shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good

Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM

Reason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN

Cashier: Want carry-out help?

Me: Please

*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries

[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”

2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged

~ This is a running joke

Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.

my co worker is getting married.

She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.

Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.

Their new last name will be Nighthawk

ME: want to see me do a head stand

BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here

serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.

I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.