Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you

I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.

Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.

Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…

“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”

Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.

These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others

Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?

Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman

I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.

the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here

hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it

[Ouija board in Starbucks]

“Speak to me spirits”

O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G

G R O S S

Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.

[David Attenborough voice]

And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.

“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”

– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea

*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*

Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?

Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]

6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!

Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.

just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss

Put the is in disheveled

We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no

*on my deathbed*

*groggy, dazed, & delirious*

Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?

Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?

Me: *pulls plug*

*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*

Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross

Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here

[first day in prison]

Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*

That earthquake could have been an email.

Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]

My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants

Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.