Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.

is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner

[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry

When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.

I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.

Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!

i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”

When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.

I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.

me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us

bucket of fried chicken:

One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.

Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.

[speed dating]

HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.

ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom

Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest

Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.

do u think theres a butter planet?

My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.

Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.

Kim – Where is North West?

Kanye – *takes out compass*

Kim – I mean my baby!

Kanye – I’m right here.

Kim – Jesus Kanye!

Kanye – Yeezus*

Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.

Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted

Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”

AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣

Broke my make-up mirror this morning.

I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”

I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.

(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?

Me-Oh yes.

[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]

Friend: I grew as a person

Me: Did you molt?

Friend: What?

Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?

Friend:

Me: Can I see it?

SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too

Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.

Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..