me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
