me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
No one:
London landlords:
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
