Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.

Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!

My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*

A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.

Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat

i have good and bad news

Wife: Ok, the bad news?

i didn’t clean out the garage

Wife:*sigh* the good news?

[holds up cat dressed as Thor]

Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.

My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.

I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.

As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.

I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.

My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*

My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.

Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.

Husband: Should we hit the gym today?

Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?

Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.

Me: And her parents are OK with this?

Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.

Universe: Hold my beer.

My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”

Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.

My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.

No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.

Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!

Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?

Me: why…did it sneeze?

[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*

This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet

Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even

“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.

*screams as police dog takes me down.

Ad placement of the day

#ooh

ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them

COP: yes but please don’t cup my face

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.

Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*