Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.

I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.

okay run it by me one more time

Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer

The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate

Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.

Date: so you were married twice before?

Me: yes

Date: any kids

Me: no they were both adults

*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly

Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice

[new snowman watching the snowfall]

Is this *gags* is this flesh?

I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.

My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure

my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement

“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne

8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.

Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*has to pee*

*watches soccer*

*gets up to pee*

*misses goal*

:/

In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection

Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.

‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’

Karate and loose meat sandwiches.

Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.

All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing

GUYS.

For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.

TWO SEPERATE MEN.

TWO YEARS GUYS.

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.

This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?

I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.

When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.

“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants

Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.

[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok

[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR

Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it