Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.

I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?

friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?

wife: we think it’s-

me: snakes. we think it’s snakes

Thoughts that keep me awake….

why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?

*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*

She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*

Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.

Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.

Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”

7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”

“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.

Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce

Her: the what?

Me: the Westminster Shore sauce

Her: are you having a stroke?

Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce

Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-

Me: the Willmington Scone sauce

Her: please, it’s getting worse

Me: the Wank-

FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?

ME: doesn’t ring a bell

Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?

4: I’m going to be a mom.

Me: That sounds fun!

4: No, it won’t be.

Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣

Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.

*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy

Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:

•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”

[Sherwood Forest]

LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me

ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…

LITTLE JOHN: Right

ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor

LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them

ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?

LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.

[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles

My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE

Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.

*Last Will & Testament

And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.

My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.

Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.

Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family

yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please

PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET

Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?

Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.