Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”

Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.

I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick

Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.

Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??

One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend

7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.

Me: I am so in.

I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.

Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.

It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this

it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option

Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.

20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels

…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.

My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.

Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party

Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.

Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray

Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.

me: that’s my wife susan

him: please pass the salt, ma’am

me: idk she’s pretty lazy

her: [rotates entire table]

me: but strong

*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost

Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?

Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.

Tween: Nevermind.

“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”

Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days

How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.

“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”

~me before I’m about to not be cool.

Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold

I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too

Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.

My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.

No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.