Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
You Might Also Like
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.
– Me, terrible with first impressions
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
“what’s it like having a sister?”
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.