Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[planning heist]

LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?

*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*

Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath

RIGHT?

I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.

[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week

If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.

ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.

[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker

today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize

I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.

We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.

I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.

I kept not finding it. She got angrier.

I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”

Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”

😑

There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*

ME: holy shit is that the pope?!

HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied

“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said

*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS

I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.

I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”

Me: I need a vacation by myself.

Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.

There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.

As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.

Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!

Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.

I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.

Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.

My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.

Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.

my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect

… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?

Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.