Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.

STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it

Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers

The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…

Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.

coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas

Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.

“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.

“Turn chicken shit into chicken salad” is a terrible saying. I still don’t wanna eat that chicken salad. It used to be chicken shit

Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day

Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime

WORK FROM HOME TIPS:

Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.

“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”

I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.

Wife: *packing a bag*

Me: Where are you going?

W: I’m leaving you for my boss

M: Don’t go—

W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind

M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note

W: I despise you

Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.

6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?

Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)

(Later, 4:30pm)

6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?

Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?

Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.

thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.

ㅤ

A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this

Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy

Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?

BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess

I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry

Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’

Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’

If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.

I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.