Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?

Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir

WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

Me: so when will I actually receive the shark

Loan Shark: what

@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.

Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.

They’re the only thing

Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!

Me: We have to breakup.

I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.

I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.

I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.

Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.

Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?

Me- Never, just ask my husband.

Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.

I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.

Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.

I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.

M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!

Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.

Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that

The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.

You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

Girls Just Want To Have Naan

I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.

My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.

My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.

Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.

Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.

[In the middle of nowhere]

4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”

… yes

“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”

You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”

Jesus: one of you will betray me

Judas: *surprised pikachu face*

It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”