Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.

I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song

Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”

Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?

Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping

no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big

[first phone call]

Watson: hello

Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?

My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.

Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*

Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.

“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”

I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.

You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.

*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*

i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach

I received my electricity bill.

I think they billed me for sunlight, divine light, and the light at the end of the tunnel.

Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations

They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.

I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️

Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”

I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.

The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.

I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.

sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”

me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online

uber driver: oh cool me too

fly splatting on windscreen: same

[Review]

Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*

Me: A car!

B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*

M: Well, a card’s still cool.

B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.

M: Ok, I’m a medium.

B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.

“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…

– Adam Sandler being handed a script

there are two kinds of people:

those who only want you for Christmas
and those who expect a fruit tree, a shit ton of birds, dancing servants, expensive jewelry, and a musical band

and they marry each other

Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?

7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.

Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.

Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.